This will be my third or fourth “All Zombie – All the Time†journal update.
If I didn’t write about everyone’s favorite obsession, especially after recent events – more on that in a bit – I would definitely be dropping the ball. Besides, since my last journal was published merely a week ago  not that much has really happened. The basics for this journal entry are as follows: I am naked, having just taken off my pink Hello Kitty pajamas. The girls are still asleep in the bedroom. It is early morning, though already quite warm. We’re currently living in an RV spot set up in the parking lot of the Bristol Renaissance Faire outside of Kenosha WI. A week from yesterday Bristol will open. My wife’s clothing line Nomadic Dreams Boutique will be opening for the first time here so will my drum business Spice Traders Music. If you haven’t “Liked†them yet on Facebook, please go do so now. The following week we will be opening the new show that replaces Silverleaf in the Kalamazoo area The Blackrock Medieval Summerfest. Besides the Tortuga show, and the Tortuga temporary maze, Heather’s clothing line and my wooden Swords-and-shields franchise will also be there. Before leaving for Minnesota in about six weekends, I will perform three weekends in Michigan and one weekend here in Bristol; all while simultaneously overseeing the drum business in both Bristol AND Colorado.
But other than that, not much has gone on.
Since we arrived here almost two weeks ago we have done little. We’ve seen a slew of movies from Redbox, Netflix and Pay-per-view. We actually managed to make it out to the theater to see “Brave†with Scarlett. She’s been calling herself - and dressing like - Merida for a few weeks now. More on that in a bit. Mostly we have been preparing ourselves, our shops and our finances for this huge expansion of both the drums and clothing business. Oh, and some naked guy ate another naked guy’s face in Florida.
The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse and Patient Zero.
It has begun. I have written before about my obsession with all things Zombie. I have written about the IZA, My zombie bug-out plans and cinematic zombies: Their rules, shortcomings and conventions. I have also written that I don’t really believe in zombies they are a metaphor; an escapist fantasy. Imagine my surprise when news from what has become the most rapid source for news dissemination – Facebook – broke over us like a wave. A naked man in Miami was caught in the act of eating the face of naked homeless man. When the police confronted him and ordered him to stop, he continued to mindlessly chew the other man’s face off. The police shot him – and he just growled at the cops and kept eating! Finally they were forced to shoot him again, eventually killing him. Within minutes of this story breaking, my Scaramouche Tortuga Facebook page lit up with people linking the story. Apparently I am the Zombie go-to guy. A lot of people expressed concern that this was the first publicized case of the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. Not all of them were being tTongue in cheek – though apparently Rudy Eugene (the face eater) was!
The media then got a little silly
Before long it wasn’t just social media that was getting crazy. Real media, the main-stream media got butt-nutty. From almost the beginning the story spawned feverish sensationalism. Besides speculating that this was in fact the genesis of the zombie apocalypse; related stories and videos began to pop-up all over the web. Before long you could see an eighteen minute video including security cam footage and photos of the face-eating aftermath. I linked it instead of posting it so you may choose to see them or not. I have seen even more graphic stuff recently and avoided others – more on that in a bit too. There was a “Zombie practical joke†that later hatched questions of racism. A note on this one: Besides being a bit fantasy-prone, I’m also well-armed and high-strung. I suggest you not try this “gag†on me! Then secondary and tertiary stories started to roll in. A man in Maryland killed another man and then ate his heart and part of his brain. A male porn star killed what I believe was a lover who jilted him, filmed a video of it, ate parts of him and then mailed other parts to the media and politicians after posting the video online. I may have looked at the Miami photos, I did not seek out the video of this killing. I guess I found my “the line†I didn’t want to cross! Like this article mentions here a man in New Jersey also stabbed himself 50 times and then threw parts of his intestines at the police. WTF? The zombie “news†was spreading! Part of it was slow news cycle of course. Part of it was our fascination with all-things-zombie. There probably wasn’t that much out-of-the-ordinary in the news being reported. Some of the claims linking the stories to the “Zombie Apocalypse†were pretty tenuous. The Canadian story was primarily a just a tawdry sex-slaying for example; as of the writing of this journal the perpetrator has not only been arrested (apprehended in a cyber café while Googling himself) but he may be linked to some other hi-profile dismemberment mysteries. But the weirdness kept rolling in. A man in Manatee – also in Florida – bit a piece of another man’s arm off, and ate it… while naked. But if you were to poll the police I’m sure they have seen all of this before. What I haven’t heard of before was the weird-even-for-japan case of Chef Mao Sugiyama who had his own genitals surgically removed then ran a contest where he selected five diners to witness them being cooked and served to them to be eaten. Not really a “Zombie Apocalypse†story… but again; WTF?
I am not alone: Pop-culture is Zombie Crazy right now.
Cracked.com, the most consistently funny site on the web, has written tons of articles about The Zombie Apocalypse. Besides stories on how it could happen, how it would fail quickly and what your survival strategy should be. They have written articles on what traits will be handy in any apocalypse, the tactics are going to lead to your doom and the evolution of zombies over the years. I apologize if you are a religious believer in “Intelligent Design Zombies†and therefore believe that zombies could not have evolved - to each his own. They have even written articles on which weapons would prove less-useful than you’d imagine and things that just don’t make sense in Zombie Films. Looking over my links for this month’s column I’d like to reassure you that I do have other sources of news than just Cracked and Huffington Post. The CDC produced a tongue-in-un-ravaged cheek checklist on how to prepare for the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse which was echoed by a similar website for the normally better-behaved Canadians. You just don’t expect that from our neighbors to the North. The mayor of London answered questions about his town’s preparedness for an undead onslaught, and an emergency drill in Bangor Main featured not only a plague – but walking dead as well! Things got so-out-of hand; including the Huffington Post having a full “Big News†section devoted to all things Zombie that the CDC was eventually forced to release a statement denying the possibility of the IZA. Eventually the media tried to blame the brou-ha-ha on a TV Show I don’t even watch.
It was a time both weird and fun. Now with Bath Salts!
There was a lot of confusion as to the cause of the attacked that kindled this latest mania. Zombies have been part of pop-culture on-and-off since Romero created the canon with Night of the Living Dead in the sixties. As I have written before the eighties brought us talking zombies, their hunger for brains and the amazing Linnea Quigley as “Trashâ€, the sexy punk zombie. Just check her photo out below. Everyone assumed that the attacker, the “Zombie†was on drugs. A woman at the airport in Atlanta related to me “They’re saying he was on LSD†and I actually got to say “Lady, I’ve been on LSD tons of times and I have never eaten anybody’s face!†I was proud of that one. “Bath Salts†which are merely thinly disguised designer drugs marketed for a purpose they were never intended to fulfill; were then suspected to be the motivator of the frenzy. This prompted even more Zombie-themed sensationalism and political hubbub. Most people missed the eventual toxicology results. Not only was the guy found to have nothing more dangerous than Marijuana in his system – and believe me; if I can tell you LSD doesn’t cause this behavior what do you think I can say about a little Dope? But the guy’s stomach contained no human flesh. The fricking poser was spitting it out; I guess it wasn’t love. It was beginning to look more and more like we’d never have an answer as to what drove this sick individual to snap – and even less like we’d have a chance to kill some zombies no matter how much I secretly hoped for it. Still, just-in-case, I’m armed, prepared and even have my official zombie papers in order.
Zombie Mania has only intensified.
I have found not one but two zombie alert maps. The second one is kind of cool and maybe even useful. Anyone who wants to have their article generate web traffic, or to sell you something is tacking the word “Zombie†onto their products right now. An ammunition company named Hornady has released a novelty ammunition, "Zombie Max" which is its current top-selling product. I even bought some in the 12 gauge version as a Christmas gift for a friend. Gun manufacturer Ruger and others have created a line of Anti-zombie themed firearms. You can see more here and here. You can also buy a zombie bayonet for your pistol and a zombie gun cleaning system. Zombies are hot with gun enthusiasts right now - Hmmm… here’s an article on what foods to eat, or failing that you can go to a Zombie-themed restaurant. You can pay to be chased by zombies in an abandoned mall, they also offer zombie Boot camp and a zombie infested manor house. Plenty of places are sponsoring track events where you are chased by zombies. Is that too formal for you? Does it still sound like fun to run while being chased by zombies? There’s an app for that. I’ve seen Zombie Apocalypse survival tips from dating sites even. For the sophisticates there are even wine pairings to go with your undead gastronomy. There are loads and loads of websites devoted to the phenomena.
It makes me want to head for the hills, or under them. I have wanted to have an earth sheltered home for years! I may have Heather talked into it… there are a lot of practical reasons to go earth sheltered besides just making it a bunker. We have reached an accord, she can have windows for light, and I get protective shutters to bring down in an emergency. Plus we will have some specific house rules as the phot0 below shows.
Since it has become so popular, I’m sure the Zombie trend is on its way out.
Don’t get me wrong, it won’t go away tomorrow; “The Walking Dead†is still a huge hit for basic cable. World War Z will be coming out soon and who knows what gem we will discover in the next few years. But zombies have reached their zenith I suspect. Their popularity has reached near vampire-like heights. It is only a matter of time before it is not just the stupid hipsters who find them passé. For now they are everywhere… Zombies and hipsters that is. If only we could shoot them both in their heads. Their stupid, stupid heads. We find zombies in our books, our magazines, our news stories, our fairy tales and our clothing… sometimes at the same time. I use a Zombie Apocalypse as a metaphor for the unexpected and as an excuse to train and prepare. My daughter loves them… but I’m sure they’ll be replaced eventually even in her heart. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that in a machine shop in Kansas City even their first aid station has zombies in mind.
It’s time to wrap up.
It is early Sunday afternoon and my journal is supposed to be published today. Since this part of the website is only able to be accessed by fans over the age of eighteen I can put some mildly naughty photos here. There really isn’t anything to say about these that isn’t handled in their captions: This isn’t my wife’s ass, but Heather looks great naked and with guns. I don’t know these armed babes… but it’s fun to think of them as part of my army and if any of you possess Photoshop skills I think that this second-to-last photo is supposed to be converted to a zombie photo. Look at it… creepy. Next month I will return to a standard-format journal with all of my normal goings-on. I’ll be able to let you know how Blackrock went, how both Heather’s clothing line and my drum biz is doing in Bristol and a slew of other things besides. One month from now I will still be living here, in a parking lot on the outskirts of Kenosha. Still busy, often naked, and quietly watchful for a zombie outbreak. At least I’m not worried about which Presidential candidate would handle an alien invasion better – clearly it is Obama.
