Awesome decor at Hell's Kitchen
I'm sorry for the following- no real news update, but if you want one: I'm doing theatre. I'm overbooking myself. I'm doing more theatre. We are going to New York, i did some other weird stuff and I'm stoked.
Now-
A very old friend of mine recently committed suicide. I can think of no better tribute to her than say this is my response in an open letter to her adopted sister (with permission) a few days later. I say post this to you all not to- i dunno, watever- but to reflect on how I may affect people whom I may never know:
Hey-
You know- I have never felt more empty since this news... one person I was trying to find in life has moved before I had a chance to catch them... I wish I had been there. I wish I knew this friend... needed me... that this universe should have said something to me to... i dunno... help. Even before now. Before this. I have been there for so many... how can this slip through? But then I reflect-
I have nothing but good memories of her. Even though I have not seen her in some time- i can think nothing but good thoughts of her. Her energy and youth. I don't mean to babble and make things any more difficult than they might be at this time- I just, ... I just wanted you to know i can't help but smile when i think of her. My strongest memory is of her showing off a haircut... Not that there aren't more- far from it. But that moment sticks with me in an odd time lapse. An absurd moment... Her dancing and showing off her new do with emphasis. Such an odd moment to think on, but it stuck. I can't think on anything that has moved me more in recent memory... and it's all good. Nothing but happiness. Maybe that's my mission in all this- but still. I'm here- feeling this loss... and I have delt with loss. And it's... abstract. Deep. I feel this like nothing i have felt in some time. And I want to share that. My memory- my smile. That feeling I get when I think of her and when this mental video pops up of this absurd haircut scene. Pure joy. I mourn with you- I smile with with you. I cry. It makes me reflect on not what I can do... but that even the small shit matters. this... everyday moment. something absurd... that took away the insignificant trouble of the day and implanted itself forever in time through memory in the action of a smile. If this is her gift, if this is what i walk away with... I thank her for it. it all matters. the big and the small. pay attention- you don't know who might be making smile. who might remember that absurd moment- and be affected by it. It makes me want to live... live like i haven't lived.
smiling and crying-
-x
We will see you out there space cadets... somewhere on the other side of this now...
