April and May 2014 – Last night I shot a Zombie in My underwear…

Imagine that! Another LATE journal!

Here I sit, Mid-June and the final, full day of our stay in Kansas City. I stole the quote I used for this month’s title from an old Grouch Marx bit. Partly because I love Groucho and partly so I can use the weird-yet-lovely photo that I end this block of text with. It’s a Thursday. I’m wearing shorts only because I just took out the garbage and the conservative folks in this Mormon-run RV park would freak out if I had emptied the trash with my junk on display. Josh Hartnet and my second-least-favorite Bond are slaughtering a slew of Vampire babes on the TV overhead (“Penny Dreadful” if you’re curious). Heather and Scarlett are at lunch with old friends. I have about an hour to get some serious writing in. Almost forgot the punchline: How she got in my underwear I’ll never know.

Beyond the end of Arizona I depart for Georgia and find I live in Alabama

I don’t think I mentioned yet – in any of my journals that I dropped nearly four thousand dollars on truck repairs this winter.  Maybe I did? I know I have mentioned the mechanical woes the truck was suffering and I have to tell you I was really looking forward to putting all of that behind me. We extended our stay in AZ longer than we had planned. And using our new, low-stress travelling model we began a comfortable and leisurely trip across the country; our longest all year long. Initially the truck was a dream! Brakes, air conditioning and power from the motor all function like the truck was new again. It didn’t last. We filled up somewhere in the deep south on the third-and-scheduled-final day of our trip but when I restarted the motor after filling up - that’s when the problems started. I had an increasingly noticeable loss of power and my check engine light came on. I tried to figure out all of the possibilities: was it water in the fuel or something more dire? After calling my brother (the truck driver and mechanic) I decided to limp my ride the hour or so to the KOA we planned on stopping at that night. I would then push on in the morning for the remaining 90 miles to my destination. We got safely ensconced at the Talladega KOA and had a restful night’s sleep. When I went to start the truck in the AM – not only would it barely turn over, it had very little power. I knew the truck wouldn’t be able to drag our house even the short ninety miles to Fairburn in this condition.  I dropped the trailer where it was and limped to the first Ford Dealership I could find. They didn’t do repairs on Saturday but suggested another; 30 miles away.  I arrived right before the second dealership closed. Luckily, kindly, they stayed open just to work on my truck and the truck of a severely disabled man who came in fifteen minutes after me.  I waited patiently until the late afternoon. The mechanic suspected it was an injector cable that came loose in the new repairs. He thought he would be able to quickly and cheaply repair it and send me on my way. The post repair test drive proved that that was not the case. Finally he told me I’d have to leave the truck so that he could start fresh Monday morning when the shop reopened.  Heather and Scarlett fetched my unhappy butt from the dealership and returned us to the KOA. Believe me – we have been stranded in worse places in our travels! Sunday morning – after making sure I had everything I needed for a couple of days' stay, my girls headed on to Georgia without me to begin setting up the many booths and businesses we run at the festival there. They left the dogs and I to live in Alabama. I occupied myself with reading, surfing the interweb and doing all the laundry. I also spent a bunch of time being depressed and feeling vulnerable. Monday morning the fault was determined to be only a faulty injector – one of the new ones I just installed. Since I was smart, and lucky enough to have used FORD brand parts – they were still under warranty. By early afternoon I was once again hooked-up and on my way. I arrived in Hotlanta to the accolades of the family and Justin and Meghan of Spice Traders and with a little help got our trailer in and leveled before dark.

It’s safe to say we have a LOT going on in Georgia: Garlands and Roses and Clothing Oh My!

I can still fondly recall The Good Ol’ Days of Yore; back when I had a two day work week. Clearly we’re busier, wealthier and more diversified now. Nowhere is that more evident than in Georgia. Besides our “normal” jobs – the show for me, souvenirs for Heather and both of us taking turns teaching Homeschool to our child – Heather ALSO runs the Garlands business and her clothing shop, I oversee the roses business. Busy doesn’t begin to describe it. We are under a touch more stress here than some places – but that doesn’t stop me from expanding. It looks like next year I will be adding another sideline business to Arizona, Georgia, North Carolina and maybe Minnesota too.  Heather used her prodigious skill and experience waving her magic wand to transform drab shops and fake flowers into artistic wonders.

Hey I’m On the Stage! Hey I’m on the radio! Hey I’m eating at the Varsity!

In the fullness of time (I have always loved that expression) The Georgia Renaissance Festival opened and The Tortugas took the stage again. Some interesting notes: We only pass the hat at the last show of the day – the festival “buys” us out of tipping the other three but with weather and pent-up demand, the first R-rated show of the Georgia Season tends to be our biggest of the entire 8 weeks. Weird.  Georgia is more conservative than a lot of other festivals – but the GA R-rated show is getting closer and closer to MN/NC territory. We even had flashers! We also found ourselves returning to The Tech Talk radio show at GA Tech, What fun! After the radio appearance we stopped by at the legendary Varsity Grill for mildly disappointing grub.

 

All of the Renaissance Festival “Spring” shows seem to be tough. At least Georgia has Movie Nights!

Scarborough, outside Dallas and our lovely little gig south of Atlanta can both be described as “A lovely social scene, interrupted by a tough, disappointing renaissance festival.” I have friends, including “Ded Bob” Muggsy who, after trying Southern California this year begged to come back to Hotlanta. The weather is tough. The attendance is disappointing. The festival days can sometimes be more of a chore than some other shows – but DAMN we love the social scene! The heart of which (for us) is Movie Nights. If you’re new to this journal: each Thursday night during the run of GARF we show a movie on the deck of the drum booth for ten to thirty friends. This year we added a new projector which made the picture UNBELIEVABLE! We do a potluck to match the theme of the film. This year we did everything from campy horror to campy LARPers to The End of the World.  We had Star Wars Based food on Star Wars Night. It was also the first time young Scarlett saw all of Episode 4. She loved it. We celebrated my birthday and Dakota’s birthday. There was great food, great company and some really great movies this time. It’s such a good time that we’re hoping to be able to continue the tradition in our new booth in Bristol – details to follow.

Blue Team, Fairy Houses and Tennessee Truck Drivers

Well. Life keeps rolling, things stay interesting and the business of our business keeps chugging along. There’s been some shake-up in the Tortuga Twins Blue team – we’ll be training some guys and shifting others around but they seem to be finally finding their feet. My daughter has been on a kick about “Fairy Houses” lately. I substituted a repurposed ammo can to replace the crafty box she dolled- up. Also, my brother the truck driver brought his family down to visit us here in Georgia once again. I have fallen into a pretty happy, busy and damned fulfilling routine. Heather and I are approaching our ninth anniversary/going on our tenth year together. If you’d told me that I’d be happily, gleefully and monogamously involved with anyone once-upon-a-time, I’d have laughed at you. Now I cannot imagine it any other way. Life, in all of its complexity is so good.

Now we have a Bi-annual Tradition: Universal/Disney trips in Spring and Fall

In 2013 our Spring jaunt to Orlando got shifted to November – and it was a DREAM! Heather bought the family season passes to Universal and our dear friends Joe and Anesa hooked us up with an employee rate at the resort and walked us into MouseWorld (again) for free. We stayed at a different resort – Caribbean Bay I think it was called – than the one we normally do. It was lovely, decently priced… but the “All-Star” resorts were just as good for what we wanted and needed. We loved the Disney “Magic Band” experience. Our room key, tickets, speed passes  and credit card info were entered into an Orwellian bracelet that you could wear for the entire trip. The bands sure did allow us to gleefully spend more than we planned. There was shopping and food – the selection at this resort being a little more upscale than the factory/cafeteria feel of “All-Star” places we’ve stayed at in the past – typos notwithstanding.  The room was lovely. The inter-park trams were a hoot. The service was as excellent – maybe more so- than any other Disney resort we’ve stayed at so far.

We love Disney but we REALLY love Universal – we stayed At Disney but PLAYED at BOTH

With Harry Potter, Simpsons, Spiderman Ride, Shrek and Despicable Me rides, and don’t forget Scooby Dooby Doo… there is just something about Universal and Islands of Adventure that hits all the right notes for me and mine.  Our first (and last) day this trip was devoted to enjoying all the Non-Disney magic we could consume. Scarlett rode the Spiderman ride again – though we practically had to drag her on it and she made us ride Men in Black at least twice, or was it three times? Most of the time, the weather in the month of May is pleasant. This Spring it was a bit beastly; almost overwhelming. We muddled through.

Magic kingdom and Epcot: With Flowers and Fairies and Dragons (Oh my!!!)

Day two of our trip was ALL MOUSE! I think Scarlett’s only “Must Do” was meeting (again) Tinkerbelle. Thankfully we somehow avoided the “Four plus Hours to Meet Elsa and Anna” hubbub. The flower festival (and fairy houses) at Epcot were a hit and the AMAZING, new, almost Steam Punk parade at Magic Kingdom was really cool!  We ate. We shopped. We fought off the oppressive heat. I think we had one bad hour the whole trip; something about Scarlett not wanting to ride any rides – even ones she’s ridden before. I ended up hitting quite a few of those rides on my own. Joe and Anesa joined us for a portion of the day of course. They are SO.MUCH.FUN! I know it’s cliché and all… almost pedestrian, but I ADORE taking the family to Disney and Universal twice a year.

After we checked out the fun continued… or did it?

Checkout time was NOON and we made it out of the room on time. We didn’t go far. We spent a few hours cavorting in the onsite pool. Scarlett LOVED the slide. This is quite a departure for my darling daughter who isn’t much of a daredevil at this point of her life. I think it was more because there were so many other kids for her to play with, and not anything innate to the water playground itself. After a few hours of silly, wet fun, we changed into dry clothes, hopped in the minivan and headed out to Downtown Disney for lunch and shopping. We poured more moolah into Mickey’s coffers. We also tried on lots of different mouse fashion. We enjoyed the giant Lego store – where I was able to take a few silly pictures too. I do this for you, my fans! While I was on the vacation I maintained an ongoing dialogue with my Facebook followers – including these two lovely shots showing Disney and Epcot after my less-than-savory influence. Hah! We look forward to returning this fall during the Carolina show – Diagon Alley here we come!

PS. Mini followed us home – She ended up a gift for Riki’s sweetheart.

Mother’s day – I go all out; months of planning, gag gifts, and shiny things.

My wife is the MILF to end all MILFs. I mean, yeah, she’s fun and funny and beautiful and cool… but she’s also a hell of mom. I’m a big gift-giver. I wanted to really spoil her this year. I’d had a couple of windfalls this season already (selling my booth in Colorado for example) so I decided to get Heather one of her dream gifts – a replacement set of diamond earrings. The original set got thrown away in a comical series of tragedies that resulted in me emptying out an entire dumpster in a fruitless attempt to find the original pair years ago. She’d been hinting around about wanting a new pair – but not in any serious way.

Don’t tease me lady; not when it comes to gifts.

I went ahead and ordered her a stunning pair from her favorite jeweler in Kansas City. This surprise was months in the making. Those who know me can probably guess that I couldn’t just GIVE her the earrings.  Where’s the fun in that? SO I commissioned a few gag gifts, though even those were pretty cool. I first had a friend crochet (or was it knit?) a set of matching Hello Kitty hats for Mommy and Daughter. I then had made two bikinis for my sexy wife. The bikinis were Star Trek themed and recalled two ongoing, running, “bits” in our crazy domestic life. One involves Heather having to dress up like a green-skinned Orion Slave Girl – Yup nerd fantasy WIN! The other bit involved which tunic color (Yellow Command or Blue Sciences) befitted my nerdy wife more. Finally though; I presented her with the real McCoy (see what I did there?); some *bling* for my baby. Score points for ME for Mother’s day.

 

Fancy feasts and an embarrassment of fan gifts for my Birthday

As I have mentioned in previous journals – my Birthday is often a month-long festivity involving celebration and brouhaha from many different vectors. There were at least three parties for me this season. Riki, his missus and Dakota and Adam joined Heather and I at a pretty swell tapas place in Atlanta called the Iberian Pig, Yummm-eeeeee! We had a broader group for Movie night – the Movie was Knights of Badassdom, and of course my incredible fans poured on the generosity; showering me with a cornucopia of goodies. Let me take a moment and thank each and every one of you again – though I did send each person who sent a gift (at least) one handwritten thank you card – as well as profusely thanking them on Facebook. It’s a silly thing but MAN I do love how everyone turns out to spoil me on my Birthday!

A LOT of things came to pass as we finished-up our time in Atlanta

A surprise dental event required that I make a fifteen hour round-trip journey to visit my very-own Dentist/Fan in North Carolina.  Scarlett finished her first year of homeschooling. I am now, no longer a kindergarten teacher! And we took another long-but-fun road trip up to the mountains of Asheville to officiate another wedding.  The setting was gorgeous. The ceremony that we wrote for the Bride and Groom was lovely and brought tears to everyone’s eyes. The reception was a hoot- we only wish we could have stayed longer.  I have to admit that I am beginning to LOVE officiating weddings and I want to do more. If you want to have the Tortuga Twins at YOUR wedding get in touch!

Time to say Goodbye!

It’s time that we bid adieu to both the Georgia Renaissance Festival AND this month’s journal. I’m happy to report to our wonderful fans in Georgia that we are negotiating a three-year deal and we anticipate spending spring in Dixie for the foreseeable future.  It is – as I finish writing this June 22^nd. I am sitting in my normal RV spot at the Bristol Renaissance Festival outside of Kenosha Wisconsin. My next (June) Journal is ostensibly due in three days – I’ll start working on it tomorrow and will even include some the adventures of Flat Stanley – a project my nephew in New Jersey is working on. Also in June’s Journal I will detail yet another trip to Carolina during the run of Georgia; this time to shoot the video for our newest Tortuga Twins Kickstarter Project.  I’ll tell you about a Kickstarter video that I Scaramouche/Ronn in my guise as “The Comic Hack”, am working on and I’ll even show you a huge construction project we’re having built in Bristol. Also – for no real reason – Please enjoy GODZILLA!