You Have Been Warned
Before we go any further – there will be inappropriate material below
The March Journal was late. Now only a few days later is the April Journal so I stuffed it with ZOMBIES.
It is a soggy Tuesday morning, one week before my 48th birthday. I’m shirtless – my nipples sure are perky in this chill. The Daily Show is running in the background on the TV. Nope, I’ve turned if off because I find Mr. Stewart to be too interesting when I have work to do. I turned in my March Journal a week or so ago… maybe two? Doesn’t matter, it’s still not posted. I am already late with this one (it was due 12 days ago I think) I could tell you about the sodden, damp, rained-cursed time we’re having here in GA but instead I’ve stuffed this month’s journal with the walking dead (and “The Walking Deadâ€) and nekkid girls
Two weeks from today – May 21st – We celebrate the anniversary of the Rapture!
Harold Camping you beautiful bastard. Two years ago I waited to be whisked away to Heaven; beamed up in the great Godly transporter like you promised. You let me down Harold. I counted on you – not as much as some of your misguided flock, but even though we gave you TWO CHANCES, Your humble author and all of the rest of us without a direct line to GOD were stuck right here on earth. You even survived your stroke – God didn’t even bother calling YOU home! Harold. I’m beginning to lose my faith in doomsday! I was around when the great Jupiter effect alignment took place in the 80’s. I foolishly did not cower in a secure, concrete bunker during Y2k. I’ve braved SARS, Bird Flu, and several other promised pandemics without even a sniffle or unburned corpse to show for it. Don’t even get me started with the Mayans – They know what they did - or rather DIDN’T DO in December of 2012. Man, I’m armed, slightly prepped, even excited by each-and-every one of these promised Armageddons and so far I’ve been bitterly disappointed by Earth’s continued, un-wasteland-ed existence. At least I can count on the INEVITABLE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
I like to tell myself I would do well in a zombie apocalypse.
But I might be fooling myself. They say that you never know how you’ll react in a crisis until you are actually in it. There have been points in my life where I have responded remarkably, even heroically to stressful situations and there have been moments in my life - my mugging for example – where I have been utterly useless. It’s one of the interesting philosophical things I have taken note of : We all travel through this life as if it was a book or a movie and we were the lead, the hero, the protagonist … the "Star". Often when a tragedy strikes the first question people ask is “Why Me?†Life replies “Why NOT you?†Lord John Whorfin says “History is made at night; Character is what you are in the darkâ€. I want to add “You’ll never know who you really are until you are tested".
Zombies are very popular right now
Without even a blockbuster summer movie to propel them –yet – Zombies have become an unbeatable juggernaut in the public’s consciousness. I thought we’d reached the zenith of the genre already. I was pretty sure that Warm Bodies, the zombie love story would sound the death knell of the field. I was sure that when the Zombie - Call me maybe parody video came out it would mean the end of the public’s fascination, but television's "The Walking Dead" has only gotten MORE popular. I’m very interested to see what is going to happen when World War Z finally rolls out in June. And though – judging from the trailer I have seen - this Brad Pit movie is only vaguely related to the incredible book written by Max Brooks; I have very high hopes and not-so-high expectations. Who knows; maybe this will be an Avatar-like mega-hit that will propel the reanimated dead to even more stratospheric heights of popularity? I am excited by the news that the Star Wars franchise is now in the capable, four-fingered, white-gloved hands of Mickey Mouse. I am tickled that there will be more movies, more stories and more fun. I love George Lucas’s rich, and deeply-flawed world; Jar Jar Binks and Ewoks notwithstanding. AND - I. LOVE. LIGHTSABERS. Clearly I am not alone and not the only one who wants to be a Jedi Knight. I’m not even the only one who thinks a cross-over story between Star Wars and The Walking Dead would either be a really neat idea, or a really silly one. Either way – it sure would be fun to watch.
I have always been a fan of Zombies.
I admit it. I was only three years old when the movie that started the classic interpretation of zombies premiered. Yes I know that in the original script they were never called “Zombiesâ€, Romero referred to them as “Ghoulsâ€. I also know that this list of the Top Ten Zombie Films is flawed because not only does it include “28 Days Later†which is a GREAT film about infected, living, individuals, but because it also does not include Day of the Dead, the Non-3D remake of Night of the Living Dead -I met the actress who played Barbara – or some of the quirkier flicks like Dead Alive. I’m such a fan that this is my third or fourth all-Zombie monthly journal. I’ve written about them in the news. I’ve loved them since I was a kid. I saw both Day of the dead and Dawn of the Dead (arguably the BEST of all the Zombie films) in first run theaters. I’ve written to Tom Savini; we exchanged emails because of a mutual friend. I’m not only friends with The Lead Zombie on both Facebook and for-realsies; I’m even good friends with is damned-handsome son. I have even talked to the actress who played the little girl who stabbed her mother to death with a trowel in the granddaddy of all of these movies, the original Night of the Living Dead. Kyra is a sweet girl and used to date a friend of mine. We used to be friends on MySpace. Hehehe “MySpaceâ€. These days Zombies are everywhere. They are a pop-culture phenomenon. I’ve even seen them in advertisements for cars, FedEx and notebook computers. Zombies are great entertainment, and have even helped settle a huge litigation with clever, advertising campaigns. Zombies are fun – almost too much fun - But what if they become REAL?
The REAL Zombie menace?
Cracked wrote an incredible article years ago about how a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE could really happen. You’d think people would take the lesson, but deep in our hearts we’re all as bad, shortsighted and filled with hubris as Victor Frankenstein. Our arrogance is only topped by our ignorance. Right now half of the people who are reading this article are infected with the brain parasites written about in the article above. Let me write that again. If there are TWO of you in the room, in all likelihood ONE of you is INFECTED by unseen, malicious organisms that might even be controlling you mind or at least altering your personality. To be fair, the 50% infection rate reflects a world average; here in the US the likelihood of infection is much more reasonable one in three. I almost, accidentally wrote “One in Thee†which would have been poetic. Even discounting the possibility of brain parasites causing us to do something risky and stupid – or outright CRAZY – people are just DUMB and do DUMB THINGS. You know what though – sometimes even the Not-Dumb things can doom you during a catastrophe. The IDEA of a zombie apocalypse sounds like fun especially if you are of a “Doomsday Prepper†mentality. But I suspect the reality of such a thing would be a LOT less fun. I’m not sure I or anyone I know is really equipped to withstand the emotional and physical hardships. Maybe it’s best if we just keep our Zombie obsession safely in the world of Pop culture, Weird entertainment mash-ups (this link is PRICELESS!), Music (to be fair the song is actually about an IRA bombing, but I had to include it because you know, “Zombieâ€) or even in “Politicsâ€? My absolute favorite utilization of zombies as an attention getting device is when a bunch of the Living Dead protested the craziness emanating from the ASSHOLE Church in Kansas. Maybe we just keep flesh-eating walkers as a marketing tool or a gentle diversion – unless I can have a Darryl Dixon on my team!
The signs are everywhere, no really EVERYWHERE!
And I do mean actual signs. There have been so many road signs that have been hacked and so many cases of shop and store signs that have posted warnings that it makes me wonder if people actually WANT the Dead to walk the Earth! Even my fans are finding signs, and sending them to me from all over the country. Can you blame them? I have been collecting stories in the news and everyone is jumping on the Zombie bandwagon. I’ve already written about the CDC’s blog post, but Homeland Security, and the US Army, have posted plans too. The Kansas Anti-Zombie Militia garnered a lot of attention – Oh Kansas, you’re the crazy “Florida†of the Midwest – all of them with Zombie response schemes. The military is using the Living Dead in exercises. In Cedar Rapids there’s a Zombie survival camp for kids and in Oregon they have cancelled a class on surviving the walking dead – thus ensuring everyone’s tasty, tasty and gruesome demise. Even Canada, usually staid, sedate and reasonable, has put forth an official stance on Zombies; I might head north if, or when, the dead rise. Oh Canada indeed. The Great folks over at the Zombie Research Society want you to stay informed. Other than me they might be your best source of information for all things Zombie related, whether it is the best weapon to use, the first zombie to eat brains or a Zombie Fashion Show, just don’t invite the Militia in Kansas. I’ve seen funny YouTube videos, read dozens of books, and done more than my fair share of shooting at zombie targets at the gun range. I’ve read all of the articles suggesting Zombies as metaphors for everything from rampant consumerism to technological dread. This professor claims that our fascination with Zombies; our preoccupation with our certain doom at the hands and gnashing teeth of the undead is just a reflection of our overall dissatisfaction as a society. Well, duh!
The end is extremely fucking nigh!
I’ve written before about preparedness and the Zombie apocalypse. I’ve been looking back over old journals I’ve written. The first predominantly Zombie one was back in 2008, when Walking Dead was just an underground comic. My first ALL ZOMBIE journal was January of 2011. This is the one where I discussed at length that my preparations for the Zombie Apocalypse are for a doomsday both practical and metaphorical. As long as you’re not as crazy as some of the worst Doomsday Preppers, isn’t it better to be prepared than to not? I might as well confess that if TSHtF (The Shit Hits the Fan) it will be those who aren’t prepared who will be viewed as the crazy ones.
Maybe.
To me it’s big, silly fun with just a touch of anxiety. Yes, when I build my house – one day – it will be set-up to not only survive and thrive without grid power but to be able to be locked down and secured in an emergency. I won’t build a bunker, just something a little more secure than a row house. I suggest these rules: Be safe. Make a few, easy and practical plans. Choose your “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Buddies†well and stick with them. Apparently you can now even exchange jewelry with your survival buddy! It might not be such a bad plan to have a bug out vehicle, and some supplies stored away… If you are feeling generous I think that THESE make a great Birthday gift.
Would You be my Zombie Apocalypse Buddy? Would you brave the hordes of the undead to rescue me? Can I count on you or only on my own preparations and plans? Maybe I’ll just jump in my bug - out vehicle, head for my bunker and live in relative luxury with my highly-trained and motivated army of Zombie Killers, Guards and Sharpshooters… Well; a guy can dream right?
I’m awfully damned lucky; let me tell you a few reasons why.
I have a job I love, generous and thoughtful fans, and a life I ADORE. As I was putting together my little Zombie Fighting Army up there I thought – all things considered – that it might be pretty cool to include some photos of Hot Asian Babes with Guns… The idea being: Since a Zombie Apocalypse is just a fantasy – Why not dream big and dream up the whole package… then it occurred to me – I already live with a beautiful, strong, sexy, sharpshooting, funny, smart, Asian Zombie Apocalypse buddy… I’m so glad I married her.
So that’s gonna wrap everything up.
I hope that you all have a GREAT month of May, and that in June the dead stay right there in their graves like they’re supposed to. I hope that if a catastrophe does strike that you are prepared and have a snuggly buddy to keep you safe, happy and distracted. I’m going to suggest that you view the Webisodes for the Walking Dead TV Show – they are pretty well put-together and tell a separate story line. You can find the first one here. I also REALLY love this award winning Zombie short from and Australian Film Festival. If you click on no other link in this article (Shame on you!) click on the one to watch THIS; it literally made me weep. I’ll return to my day-to-day life in next month’s journal. Meanwhile I think I have some plans for my own, personal Zombie Fighter/Survival Buddy. I’ll see you all next time.
One more thing
My Birthday, My 48th birthday is on May 14th (exactly one week from the writing of this article). I have been flooded, spoiled even, by fans on Facebook. I ABSOLUTELY do not need anything else – except your love and continued attention - here in the fan club. If you want to get me something anyway – even if it is well past my birthday here’s my wish list.
http://amzn.com/w/3F6VJP77Y2A1T
*NOTE: The mailing address associated with this list is only valid until June 1st !  (If you get me anything after that time – contact me for an updated delivery address.)
