March 2014 – The Road to HELL!

They say the Road to Hell is paved with good Intentions…

Personally I think the road to hell is not paved at all but instead is a rocky brutal path littered with procrastination. It’s June 5th, The Thursday before the final weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival. I’m in camouflage shorts, fittingly watching a movie called Detention of the Dead.  It doesn’t look very good so far. My darling daughter Scarlett, sitting at the desk beside me, is finishing her next-to-last assignment of the school year. Unlike her father she’s finishing early. This might be the latest I’ve ever been on one of these “monthly journals”. The ironic part is that the photos have been gathered, captioned and waiting for almost three months now. I intend to knock out this very late entry of my personal history, do some quick gunsmithing and then jump on my also-late combined April/May journal. I’d love to have all of this uploaded before we leave The Georgia site on Thursday morning. Wish me luck.

I seem to remember we did some podcasts.

We get contacted by our fans, a lot. Often they make requests or even, occasionally, demands upon us and we truly try to fulfill as many of those as we can – within reason.  Sometimes we get asked to do things that are FUN and we LOVE. So we were contacted by the hosts of the Phoenix-area podcast Bat and Hammer. Since they take their name and their theme song from “Thor” and “Batman” it’s no great stretch to figure-out that their show is a cornucopia of nerd-topics and a damned-fine fit for us three Tortugas. The show was a hoot for us to appear in and the hosts – despite having some questionable art upon their walls were fun, knowledgeable and funny. I wish I could include you in the emails we exchanged arranging the appearance. They would both amuse and appall you. I’m not going to because I want you all to find your own way to catch our attention when you write to us.

Arizona passed too quickly

The Arizona show is one of the best. It certainly is one of the easiest. We have four shows a day on the main stage at the event. We have HUGE and adoring crowds. We share a stage with Ded Bob, which is in itself a joy.  We have two bright and breezy Student days. For those days we take all of the dirty stuff out of the R-Rated show and we’re left with fifteen minutes of silly fun to keep the kiddies charmed. We have a rich and varied social life and spend time with some of favorite people all year. Byron Miller and I organized a weekly shooting expedition to a nearby mountain. Officially no one living at the Renaissance Festival Site has any weapons. Unofficially – we’re SOooo ready for the Zombies to come. We gathered-up the arsenals of our many friends and fired-off round after round into the side of a mountain that’s been used for that very purpose for years. There’s something pretty cool about shooting outside, instead of at an indoor range. The experience rendered even more dramatic as you can hear the booming of weapons form other, nearby shooters and many of the bullets producing the exact same ricochet sounds you’d hear in the movies as they bounce off the rocks up the mountain’s flank.  The fun increased exponentially when we started using cans, bottles and other found targets. The microwave was so much fun. We called it “recycling. When we finally began attaching tannerite compound explosives to the various targets… Wow. You might want to watch this sadly truncated video.

 

I was attempting to shoot some explosives taped to the side of the targets on the ground but both the explosion and Muggsy’s reaction to it are priceless! Also for no apparent reason please enjoy this photo of a peanut butter and jelly burrito.

 

 

Have we mentioned how much fun Funky Formals are?

I’m sure that I have described Funky Formals – the yearly Bacchanalian delight held at most Renaissance Festivals - as a cross between the Prom and “exactly the sort of party your parents feared you’d attend”. Heather and I, both singly and as a couple have enjoyed Funky Formals for decades. Our first dance was at a funky formal Heather and I started dating (the first time) because of a funky formal.  I’ve attended these dances dressed as everything from a priest to a Barbie-doll a Geisha to a bondage stud – and every conceivable thing in between. Let me assure you – Funky Formals are so much better when attended with a HOT ASIAN BABE you’re married to.  All the cool kids – and Riki and I were there. We Tortugas looked Good – the girls looked DELICIOUS! Heather was in a fun and frolicsome mood and was a cute little troublemaker. Yay! There was dancing and drinking and Asian girls spanking Asian girls. All-in-all it was a great night.

Plenty of day-to-day distractions and enjoyments in Arizona…

But the one I’m most proud of is that our little girl MADE THE HONOR ROLL! Like I said when I posted it on Facebook – let’s not lose our minds – it’s JUST kindergarten. But if Scarlett keeps reaping these kudos and accomplishing so much – I’m going to need an entire bigger trailer just to hold my fatherly pride. All of that is kind of a contrived segue so that I can show you this other photo of a three-piece rig I’d love to explore. We’re looking at getting a newer, bigger trailer this season and with hope we’ll get a used, bigger rig to haul it. Though instead of a boring red truck I’d love our rig – and my third vehicle - to be the $6,800, 84 m.p.g, three wheeled Elio. Gosh!

 

We have Good friends and great events that go on in Arizona too

We had a lovely dinner with the pretty, fit and talented Barely Balanced, We had yet-another trip to our friend’s Anti Zombie Retreat near Jerome – this time Byron and Arlene and Malcolm finally came to visit too. We also had a HUGE gathering of jousters, jugglers, acrobats, merchants and more Tortugas than you could shake a giant cat at the “Out Of Africa” Big Cat reserve and park near Jerome too.  Like I said in the caption to one of the photos – if you’d dropped a bomb on Out Of Africa that day – there’s a pretty good chance that the Arizona Renaissance Festival wouldn’t be able to open that weekend because no one would be on stage, behind the scenes or in the merchant’s shops!

 

If you had to pick one word to describe the Arizona Renaissance Festival … you’d fail.

But the word “Fun” does spring to mind a bunch.  Whether it’s shooting guns at mountains or enjoying The T.A.R.D.I.S outside the Festival’s front gate; whether it’s making another appearance on the Bat and Hammer Podcast or one of the BEST Fan Club Meet and Greets ever. We had nothing but LOVE for our time in the desert.  We Tortugas like it so very much that we have just signed a FIVE YEAR CONTRACT there and in Carolina. We really hope you like us being in Arizona as we will be celebrating our Official Tortuga Twins Birthday there until 2019!

All good things must come to an end.

No matter how much we enjoy each stop along our circuit each year – we’re ready to leave right about the same time as it’s time to go.  We had a longer-than-usual gap between Arizona and Georgia this year. We had originally intended to make a visit to Heather’s old Kansas City stomping grounds but our complicated lives got in the way. We stayed a little over a week past the closing of the AZ show ending our season as we began it. We enjoyed the abandoned festival site as our own private playground. We did manage one final social engagement visiting the Desert Butterfly museum with Wendi, Ryne and their wonderful daughters. Scarlett loved it.

 

Well that’s going to wrap-up a very late March “monthly journal”.

Back here in the present Scarlett’s art project is done and uploaded to her teacher. We just finished watching not-bad-at-all movie called Vampire Academy. Heather is sitting beside Scarlett and I busily whipping-up garlands for her booth. In just a few hours thirty or more folks will be showing-up in our back yard for the final movie night of the 2014 Georgia season.  In next month’s journal I will be combining all of the events from April and May including but not limited to being stranded in Alabama for a few days, my month-long birthday celebration, Georgia Renaissance Festival Movie Nights and Social Club, Another trip to Disney/Universal, My generous Mother’s day gift (and my gag one!) Officiating a wedding – again, “Surprise you have to go to the dentist”, “Surprise you have to drive BACK to Carolina to shoot a video” and who knows what else.  See ya soon.