August 2013 – My Very Late August Journal, now with nudity and my musical hero.

I suppose I should begin my telling you that this month there will be ADULT CONTENT! So proceed at your own risk because it’s NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

I celebrate my Sixth Anniversary and I get the best present too.

I have mentioned in the past that Heather and I like to go to a show to celebrate our anniversary. Studies show that experiences last longer in your memory and in your appreciation than the joy of getting “things”. Since our anniversary falls at a time when we our so close to the amazing theater district of Chicago it was a no brainer for us to choose to see a show there to commemorate our special day. This year we chose the incredible extravaganza by the creators of South Park – “Book of Mormon” WOW! The show was just-about perfect. It was funny, clever, had catchy tunes and if we had watched it at just-about any other time it would clearly be the highlight of my month. Except – My wife ALSO knows that experiences are better than things so she arranged for something pretty-damned cool too. You see; ever since I was sixteen years old Adam Ant has been my hero not just musically but also as a huge influence in my life. Adam quit touring and quit releasing music about 18 years ago; plagued by mental health issues which had him in-and-out of institutions. I read his autobiography a few years ago and I was so crushed to hear of the tribulations my idol had barely endured. He was supposed to tour the US early in 2012 and Heather and I planned to go see him in Vegas. But when he ended-up cancelling many of his shows – including the Vegas date - I was sure he had cracked under the pressure and I despaired that I would never get a chance to see him perform again. To my surprise he resumed touring this year and three of his dates – Chicago, Milwaukee and Minneapolis – more-or-less lined up with my touring schedule. As is often the case with me; I dithered on whether-or-not to actually spend the money to go see Adam even though I wanted to do so quite badly. Heather not-only took that decision out of my hands she went the extravagant extra mile to pay for me to meet the man!

 

 We go to a concert in Chicago.

The time leading-up to concert was surprisingly stressful. In fact before the night-of-the-show finally arrived I was literally sick to my stomach and wishing the whole thing was over-and-done-with. I get nervous meeting celebrities; flustered even. I knew I’d be flummoxed by meeting my hero. Understanding this about myself I put together a letter and a couple of our DVDs in advance so that if I did freeze up I wouldn’t completely miss the opportunity to express my admiration to this incredible entertainer. Heather and I got dolled-up – she was far prettier than I – and made our way to a part of Chicago I used to haunt a long time ago. Adam’s audience demographic was… eye-opening and a little sad – in line before us were a selection of mothers and grandmothers – some dressed, squeezed, into 1980’s finery. I was not the oldest person in the room; Heather was one of the youngest and certainly the prettiest. Even with the aging audience - the show was amazing (I couldn’t find a decent review of the Chicago show). It was a little depressing seeing my peers out at a concert but to his credit Adam got the whole place hopping; there were even moments that night when you couldn’t even tell that some of us were eligible for AARP discounts. Adam was in fine voice and though not nearly as thin as he used to be – I can certainly relate – he still not only rocked but he even managed to pull off a few moves and no one broke a hip!

Meeting him was – intense. We sent Heather in first so that she could rescue me if needs-be. My hero was certainly impressed with my beautiful wife. He not only told her how beautiful she was but he kissed her as well; that slut! I managed to not only hand Adam my note (see below***) but to speak coherently to my idol too. I must admit - when I described meeting Adam to Jef the next day he asked me “What did he say in response” and I had to admit “I have no idea”. Adam was very soft-spoken and I was completely star-struck; the whole thing was and is a blur... I cannot thank my wife enough for this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

 

Adam (Typing out “Mr. Ant” seems silly)

I am only writing this all out since I am genuinely fearful that I will be rendered insensible by meeting you. I do tend to get “Star-struck” and meeting you is very big deal for me.

I first saw you when you appeared on Solid Gold (Stand and Deliver) in 1981. I was sixteen. I was immediately – enchanted. The very next day I went out to the record store and purchased the single (kids today – no appreciation for .45s!) fortunately it was bundled with Kings of the Wild Frontier so I got to fall in love with all of those songs before going BACK and buying Prince Charming. From that appearance on I have been a huge fan. I saw both the “Strip” and “Friend or Foe” tours when they came to Florida – My first wife even got invited to the after party at the hotel – she had some tenuous connection to “the Romantics”; your opening act at the St Petersburg show.

I had a VHS copy of The Prince Charming Review that I played to destruction. I’ve bought every one of your albums and no less than four compilations CDs. I’ve had posters, magazines, buttons and t-shirts. I certainly went through my “Adam Ant –inspired” fashion phase… I’ve got a collection of braid-laden military jackets in my closet and more-than- my-fair-share of scarves, dangles, belts and bangles… I haven’t worn eyeliner in five years or so – but that is probably Johnny Depp’s fault. I’ve had fun times and adventures because of you; I even got punched once by a Black Flag Fan at a Dead Kennedys concert – but it was all in fun, and she was a very cute girl.

I’ve read your Autobiography, seen your documentary and have been following you in the news even over the past bunch of years when there wasn’t much to read.

Let me thank you.

As silly as this is to write as a middle-aged man: Your music, your message, and your personae spoke to me as a sixteen-year-old boy in Central Florida. You came along at precisely the time I needed you most. I want to let you know that in all seriousness, you were very influential in helping me become the man I always wanted to be. No seriously.

For the past 24 years I have been following my dreams doing comedy shows at Renaissance Festivals throughout the United States – you could even call me an international act - if you wish to count Canada – But why would you? It is absolutely NOT hyperbole to say that I would not have had the courage to end up here unless I’d been influenced by you back in the Eighties. I love my life, love who I am, love what I do and I’m glad I actually get a chance to thank you as such a key component in all of that success and joy.

I’d like to give you a gift

As I said, I perform as a sexually ambiguous comic-clown and make a decent living being funny, flirty, inappropriate and flamboyant. Obviously, I’ve been greatly influenced by you. Please accept these DVDs, maybe even watch them. I think it would be fantastic if you saw my show; even more so if you enjoyed it! (If you have to choose just one – go with the Captain Morgan Show the first ten minutes are silly warm-up then it picks up greatly.) I can’t imagine you’d have time to – but if you’d like you can email me at ronn@tortugatwins.com or write me at the address below if you don’t want to use your email address - I completely understand if you choose not to. I have a lot of fans because of my show and I’m astounded by how accessible I am to them these days. I love my fans to death, but I do try to maintain a little distance from them. I’m sure this whole thing sounds a little “Stalker-ie” to you so I wouldn’t blame you at all if I never hear back from you.

So; One more time: Thanks.

When I read about your struggles in your book – and your shifting fortunes and circumstances -I just wanted to tell you then (and am doing so now) That you have a life-long fan in me. I’ll excitedly buy every album you release and hate it the first three- to- five times I listen to it. That’s been the case for every album you’ve put out since Prince Charming. You change your style so much record-to-record; which is both impressive and disconcerting. I’ll then come to LOVE parts of it, be indifferent to some of the tracks and maybe hate one song. In each case I also find the parts of your work that really speak to me. I’ll be impressed by the work and by you. So thanks for the show, thanks for your time, and thanks for being Adam Frickin’ Ant!

Let me wish you the very BEST of luck and continued success!

Ronn Bauman

 

 I LOVE the Bristol Renaissance Faire

As I mentioned before, my first, full-time engagement at a renaissance faire other than my home faire in Florida was 24 years ago and it was Bristol. We stepped away in the early nineties and have been trying to return ever since. The Tortugas have been auditioning for the past three years or more trying to get back in and to fill one of the few openings in our yearly schedule. Even though the drum business I recently sold didn’t succeed in Bristol, Heather’s shop and the Tortugas certainly are doing fine there. Besides being one of the few places where we still feel that ol’ festival magic it also has one of the best social scenes on circuit. Heather took to Bristol like a talented, personable and beautiful duck takes to welcoming water. I have already told you about Christmas in July but that was just one of the many parties happening in Bristol this year. Heather threw another “Jouster Appreciation party” ostensibly to thank the pony-boys for help with her tent. In reality we only needed them for ten minutes of work. Now they scramble to help us after last year’s party and we’d go just to hang with them anyway. They are a great bunch of folks. They are also a great bunch of friends. There was also the Fajita Rita. Fajitas and Margaritas and good friends - oh my! We even took a little time to get our hair did by Jef’s baby-mama… Scarlett even got her first dye job. Life is great at Bristol!

 You think YOUR commute is bad!

Last year – when the Tortuga Twins run ended in Bristol, Heather and I packed-up the trailer drove the six short hours (!) to Minnesota and parked in our normal RV park five minutes from the Shakopee site. Since Heather’s Nomadic Dreams Boutique was still open and selling in Bristol; Heather had to commute each weekend to Wisconsin and by myself I had to handle getting Scarlett and I to the Minnesota site early each morning. This year we saved ourselves time, money and hassle by keeping the house right there for free in Bristol and Jef and I (or often just I) commuted to the Twin Cities where Jef was kind enough to share his comfy living situation with Jessica’s family. I arrived each Friday night around eleven PM, tossed-and-turned sleeplessly… often sharing the bed with Jef (ladies!) and getting up ridiculously early to shower and dress and mosey on out to work hard and party a little (heheh) at the Minnesota festival . The craziest part was driving home each Sunday night so I could wake up Monday morning in my own bed back in Wisconsin. Podcasts and the extended-version of the World War Z audio book kept me awake on the long drive. It was especially appreciated on the ones where Jef wasn’t riding with me. I’m pretty sure I will be commuting in some form or another next year… but there will certainly be some changes made!

It was SO good to get back to Moneysota.

Bristol was trying. It was a little humbling to have to start fresh and to convince audiences who weren’t trained to believe that we were wonderful that we were in fact wonderful. Then we get to Minnesota and things were MAGICAL! Our day starts early but the scenery at morning meeting was nice; surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls and occasionally damned-handsome men. The site at Minnesota certainly has its flaws; so many, many flaws but there are gems to be found and sometimes in the weirdest places. I found a damned funny joke taped to the urinal trough just down the way from our stage. I think I’d like to share that with you.

 

So much work to do in Minnesota: We record some videos, we entertain a school and eat a bunch of grub. Oh; and we did a bunch of shows.

Even with our five-show-a-day schedule our day is pretty great in Minnesota. We often arrive early enough to grab breakfast and coffee before the ridiculously early morning meeting. Heather’s girls open the shop for me so my only responsibility there is to hang out in the back and read some books; I knocked-out three novels this season. We spent a lot of time backstage not only enjoying our minions and stage crew but also recording more weekly behind-the-scenes videos for you; our fans. We booked an appearance at Anoka-Ramsey Community College on the Friday before the three-day-weekend so I was away from home for a lot longer that weekend. The gig at the college was fun and easy and we made a lot of people laugh. Afterwards we commenced a weekend of eating, eating and eating; Thai in uptown, Sushi at the Mall of America (where we ran into a fan from North Carolina!) and late night grub back in uptown. The three day weekend was a blast - though if I recall correctly - the weather conspired against us. Ya know even with the conversations, and the work, and the plotting and all the silly crap that goes into keeping this business running it still is a joy, a huge joy to perform, especially in Minnesota where they really get us. Thanks Minnesota for a GREAT summer!

 

Did you know that the Tortuga Twins are also in Michigan at the same time as we’re in Minnesota?

Our corporate fingers are long and sticky with the many pies they’ve stuck themselves in. I believe we have already introduced you to Liam/Fortunato the newest member of our Blue Team but did you know that we also run the roses business out there too? While Riki, Jef and I are slaving away, drinking and having fun in the Twin Cities; the Blue team are engaging in questionable tanning practices on the same stage as the original Ded Bob outside of Detroit. You would expect that our rose-selling crew would stay nice, professional and respectable while doing their hard work… but apparently they have been led astray by the junior Tortugas. Darlene, the one with the pig-tails swears she was channeling me and not my counterpart on our offshoot team.

With the commute I manage to have fun on the weekends while still enjoying Bristol during the week

The drive could be hellish – especially after a long hot weekend in the sun in Minnesota, but being able to go to breakfast Monday mornings with my girls made it all worthwhile. We also managed to take in a bunch of movies and to eat at some of our new-found favorites spots in the Kenosha area. We have already been offered a full (for us) six week engagement for Bristol in 2014 and between that and some things said to us by the management we predict that we’re going to be featured there for a long time to come. Yay! Heather is doing so well and happily – Bristol is now her favorite faire – that she is going to either buy or build a massive booth there. So look for Bristol to become a significant part of our future. Yay again!

That’s going to be all for this month’s journal until next time – which for me will be tomorrow- enjoy some knockers! Bye!