Well, let's see... I'm one hour and fifty-nine minutes late, and NOT NAKED!
Weird.
I know what I'm gonna write about this month, (mostly) and was so astounded that I HAD to go back to the beginning of these journals. I went back to before there were journal photos; I went back to when the journals were just FAQs and Intros... I went back to when Stephanie was our web mistress, not the talented (and more rat-centric) Andy. I looked over journals detailing threesomes, and foursomes, and DUI convictions and Asian porn and at least three different girls I was really smitten over...
And tonight I'm writing about my baby daughter being born.
I hope you guys aren't getting bored... I'm gonna ask Andy to put a link in right here, so you guys can drop me a line when you read this... have I wandered too far afield? Now that I'm settled, monogamous, and a daddy... do my stories matter to you anymore? [Actually, I decided to put the link at the bottom of the page. I'll tell you why later. For now, keep reading... -AB]
I did have one nice realization; I wrote a journal entry describing the ideal Asian woman. I'm pleased to say (without having actually re-read that entry, just skimmed it) that it looks like I outdid myself and got better than I was hoping for.
Damn I love my wife!
She's literally the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, the coolest chick I ever met, perfectly suited to me, funny, strong, and makes BEAUTIFUL babies!
I just took another break, and read even more of my journals, the silly girls that I was wasting my time on, and the arrival of Heather... my journal makes me look prescient. I DID say after our first night (back) together, that I could wake up next to her every day for the rest of my life... and it looks like I might have been right!
I have silly PlayboyTV on... My amazing wife is sleeping in the other room, and sleeping directly behind me in her special chair, is the most amazing thing I've ever seen, my baby damned DAUGHTER!
World, meet Scarlett Sun!
 Meet Scarlett Sun |
Man; I spend hours just looking at her in wonder and awe. My mother tried to convince me that after witnessing the birth of my daughter, (and I did witness it, every bloody, messy, panting, gasping, placenta-generating moment of it) that I'd HAVE to believe in God... and again she was wrong. But I am so impressed by my funny, lovely daughter.
I just took another break re-skimmed all of the journals up to this date... Scarlett woke and I have delivered her to mommy, and to mommy's massive, nourishing boobies!
I'm gonna write more, later about my wife's amazing rack but before we progress any deeper into that subject I want to thank all of the amazing people who have bought gifts for our daughter...
Even after all of the showers, we were still showered with gifts... I'm gonna forget some of the folks, thankfully Heather and I have written down most of them and we've called, or sent thank you cards... or both. Let's see: (this is a partial list)
- My ex-wife Diana hand knit these adorable elf boots and a hat
- Riki and Sarina brought Scarlett an adorable outfit from Thailand
- Our esteemed Webmaster sent a personalized gift card, showing him surrounded by children... creepy really
- Pirate Matt (you read about him in Georgia) sent every cute Disney outfit every created...
- Bob and Ann brown gave Scarlett an adorable bell-bottom outfit, and the book for daring girls... which I'm sure she'll be
- Fan Club Member Lynne Skinner gave us a swell gift card (thanks!)
- Deb Johnson (our "floating Chapter Head") got her a really cute dragon costume, which daddy may borrow
- Jeff, the first b-team guy, and his partner Erika brought a cute outfit with them when they got here
- Beata brought a book and turtle when she visited with Mary Ellen... and SHE got Scarlett an amazing Horoscope chart done... I'll include excerpts at the end of this post... [Unless you forget to. Which you did. I'm willing to blame lack of sleep. -AB]
- Ohio Chapter Head Linda Gould passed on a letter from Scarlett to us that she had gotten when HER daughter was born... touching
- John Spurvey got my daughter a funny "onesie", the kind grandma will hate seeing
- Robbie and April in NC got us a load of onesies, a book, and a sleep sheep
- Finally, my baby brother and his wife sent a gift basket... with loads of useful stuff...
I didn't even mention all of the cards, (Deb Stegall), calls, MySpace comments and emails... I cannot thanks you enough or begin to explain how lucky, blessed and loved Heather and I feel by this outpouring. I know how lucky I am, and I am so awestruck that my wife and daughter, and I get to share in this bounty from our amazing friends and fans.
What was the delivery like?
Well let's start at the beginning.
 Groundhog Day baby  Daddy's girl  Scarlett's first day home |
Heather's original due date was January 25th. But almost from the moment we knew the date Heather was predicting an early arrival of January 15th. Now there was a time in my life when I believed in psychic ability, hell there was a time in my life when I believed almost anything... but I'm much more cynical now. Though the jury is still out on a few things, I know too much about the science of perception, and the pseudoscience of extra-sensory perception. That being said, my wife has an uncanny ability to predict lots of stuff, and is rarely wrong. SO... when she said "I'm pretty sure Scarlett will be early" I took it very much to heart. When her predicted date came and went I was actually a little surprised... (and I made note of it, by golly, to support my skepticism). But when her doctor's prediction came and went... and then exceeded that date by a full week, we just got agitated. And a bit nervous. Exactly a week after the doctor determined due date we had a check up, and found ourselves admitted a short time later.
Hey, there's something I want to bring up: first, our OB/Gyn was a really cool, funny, mellow, laid-back guy. He was recommended to us by our dear friend Jordan. At one of our earlier appointments, maybe our third, the topic of how I was going to handle the delivery process came up. I said to the Doc that we'd be fine, I'd be fine, and in this family I was going to be "kind of a calming influence..." he all but literally fell out his chair.
Well, his cynicism aside I was very calm... Heather described me as being "creepy calm."
I was a little worried, (but of course couldn't show it) because of our schedule we weren't able to go to Lamaze. So I felt unprepared. But wait, there's more... Everything I had seen showed that this whole birth process was messy, bloody, and icky. My mother just thought that when the baby 'crowns', has her head finally emerge from the mother... was the most impressive moment. To me it just looked like something to avoid. Finally, the nurse even warned me that the father was the un-important part of this process, to the point that if I passed-out and fell down, the medical staff would literally walk over me to help the mommy.
Okay.
So my plan was to stay up by Heather's shoulder during the delivery, stay out of the way, and try not to say or do anything too stupid.
It didn't quite work out that way.
Our appointment was late morning on Friday. They admitted us early afternoon, and shortly thereafter induced labor...
My wife is CLEARLY tougher than I am, I ABSOLUTELY will not ever engage in a physical fight with this woman, because what I saw her withstand would have CLEARLY kicked my ass.
Once the contractions started for real... it was reminiscent of an ecstasy trip gone really bad. Heather was determined to try and go without pain relief (not me, baby!) but when things started rolling (so to speak) it was panting, and eyes rolling, and gasping, and all about the genitals... so it really was like an old-style party.
But eventually things got too intense and Heather asked for the epidural.
Let me say this to my readers... GET AN EPIDURAL! Heather was trying to be tough, trying to live up to some internal benchmark... and was trying not to disappoint some weird standard she held.
Let me say again: GET THE EPIDURAL!
By the time everything was done, my poor little wifey pushed for over four solid hours. Let me explain: it was push during one contraction, watch the fetal heart monitor, let the baby recover from the strain for one contraction, then push again... were it not for the epidural she would have been too exhausted to complete the enormous work of pushing our tiny frail daughter through her birth canal... and would have ended up with the C-section she was trying so valiantly to avoid.
EPIDURAL!!!
Oh, what about me?
So, I was trying to avoid seeing anything too... graphic. I was gonna stay by Heather's head, and I was going to stay out of the way.
But the wonderful Amy Haney (our delivery nurse, or was it nurse practitioner?) had different ideas.
For most of this multi-hour ordeal Amy was our only company. The doctor had just gotten back from a conference and knew that it was a long night ahead of us.
Our baby was a week overdue and therefore a little large (at least for my tiny wife). After a few hours of concentrated pushing the doctor came to check in, and nodded his head ruefully. Though it wasn't stated, it was clear that if Heather and Scarlett didn't show a lot more progress, then baby was coming out via the escape hatch, and not the way mommy was designed.
Like I said, it was my intention to stay up by Heather's shoulders, stay out of the way, and try not to do anything stupid... instead, Amy put my ass to work!
I was holding Heather's legs up in the air, coaching her on her pushing, helping her reposition to try other angles to squeeze our daughter out... In my estimation I was but a token in the process, if you ask Heather, she says she couldn't have done it without my encouragement, and obvious admiration.
 Voguing |
I had read quite a few books before the day of delivery, including a very funny one by former playmate Jenny McCarthy (Belly Laughs, look for it!) So, I knew to expect messy, and even read for the first time that it is very common for women to actually poop on the table during delivery! This is SO not like the movies! Ushering a baby into the world is SO much messier than I'd been lead to believe. However; since I was down there anyway... I might as well look. Yup, there deep inside of the parts of my wife the sun wasn't supposed to shine on, was the pointy head of my soon-to-be daughter.
Hours later (four hours of pushing), random visits from the doctor, Friday became Saturday morning, and Scarlett is inexorably pushed down my wife's tiny canal. Oh, there was more than just pushing involved... mineral oil, and manual stretching, and pushing on her belly... sheesh.
Finally, after one more check enough progress was made, the top of my daughter's tiny head was poking out of my tiny wife... at this point an army of folks suddenly showed up to assist in the... catch? Plastic bags were attached, machines were warmed-up, folks got tools together... at one point Heather accidentally pushed a little more, and the doctor actually pushed Scarlett back in a little until he was ready.
So here are the two stories of the birth I like to tell the most, one icky, one beautiful:
So it is time for my daughter to emerge, now because the delivery was a week past due (and one or two other minor issues) the doctor told us the following; "If she comes out, and screams right away, we can set her on mommy's chest for a while," which is very healthy and good for the baby, "...but if she doesn't cry right away we'll have to whisk her over to that table to work on her a bit..." So obviously we were hoping for the cry!
Part of the birthing bed was dropped, Heather was looking oh-so-graceful and dignified in the stirrups, with the doctor on a wheelie-chair twixt her thighs. She pushed, and my daughter came into the world.
It was Groundhog Day; earlier in the evening I had joked that if Scarlett came out and saw her shadow that Heather would get six more weeks of labor... after that I didn't make any more jokes.
Heather pushed, lying on her back, and Scarlett came out, face down... her nose towards the floor. She let out a lusty, healthy scream. On the one hand we were both so happy and relieved that she was okay, and raring to go... but on the other hand there was a tiny, alien head coming out of my wife's happy-place! Man that just looked C-R-E-E-P-Y!!! Like something out of a horror film. This tiny squirmy gooey (and she was gooey, and bloody!) person emerging from that special place where I spend so many happy hours!
Unsettling!
Okay and here's the sweet story.
After a brief respite on the warm chest of mommy, they took the newest, tiniest Tortuga away to be measured, cleaned, foot printed and all that jazz. Ack they took my baby away! I was torn between my tiny screaming (and oh goodness she was screaming loudly! She obviously was born with my temper, and her mommy's looks) daughter and my tired, sore exhausted wife.
Heather looked at my consternation and said, "Go to your daughter." "Go to your daughter," the legion of nurses echoed.
I went to my daughter.
She was there, tiny, vulnerable, and making quite a racket! Who could blame her, scared, alone, freaked! I didn't know what to do, so instinctively I just sang to her. I sang the My Little Buttercup song (from Three Amigos, more on that later) that I had been singing to her while she was still in mom-itary confinement. I started singing to her and she instantly stopped crying, and looked right at me. She knew me, knew my voice, knew the song, and was comforted by my singing.
That was the point where she initially wrapped me around her finger. I have a feeling that's where I'll live for the rest of my life.
 Nurse Ashely, a fan  Asleep at last |
We spent the next several days at the hospital, Heather is breastfeeding (and with those massive knockers, she certainly should be!) there was constant feedings (after they both learned how to do it) there were weighings and checkups, and inspections and time under the grow lights... you know, baby stuff. My favorite however, was when Nurse Ashley came to take Scarlett for one of her countless inspections. I had been sleeping in a chair besides my wife and daughter for a day or two by this point, I was messy, tired, stressed... when Ashley came to take her away she gave a little start and asked me, "Do you work at the Renaissance Festival?" "Yes," I cautiously replied. "I love your show!" she gushed. Heather and I just giggled.
Wait, it gets better.
We started talking while they were cooking Scarlett under the burger-warmers. I mentioned that we were on the Boathouse stage with Ded Bob she instantly said "Oh I hate Ded Bob!"
Heheheheheheh!
I gave Ashley a free membership to the fan club for that!
Let me be clear, Muggsy (the voice of Bob) is more than a brother to me, one of my best friends and frequently referred to as my 'girlfriend'. I also adore his show, and really prefer it to Clark's (the man who originated it) version. The rivalry is just for show and the stage... but still...
IN YOUR FACE DED BOB!!!!
Two more baby stories and I'll stop for this journal.
One as we first got Scarlett home, Berlin (the younger cat) noticed right away. She cautiously approached the car seat and sniffed very curiously... But London somehow didn't notice the new arrival. When a brief while later Scarlett gave out a healthy baby cry, London leapt up, very concerned, she gave out a series of plaintive, meows... and rushed over to the baby as if to say "Hey! Look at this thing over here! Pay attention!" It was adorable!
Both London and Berlin have adopted definite roles in regard to our newest housemate. Berlin seems kind of sisterly, looking after her from a respectful distance, and not really approaching her.
Surprisingly, London has adopted sort of a patient, motherly role... the other day I accidentally set one of the baby chairs (holding the baby) on top of London, and she just patiently waited until I moved it. She looks at the baby, makes sure she's okay, and just goes about her business.
Secondly; I might have already written this, but I'm gonna again. I will NEVER get into a physical fight with my wife. After what I witnessed I am convinced she's tougher than I am! Additionally, half-Korean women are apparently made out of rubber, with all of the growing, swelling, pushing, birthing and all, not only did my gorgeous wife not get a single stretch mark, she also needed neither an episiotomy, or got any tears... wow!
SO, that's enough for awhile.
[It's certainly been more than enough for me, but I have a weak stomach where pregnancy and baby stories are concerned. But these journals aren't for me, they're for you, the fans. At the top of this journal you'll recall that Ronn asked whether or not his stories matter any more, now that he's basically Ward Cleaver in the 50's and not Keith Richards from the 70's. So, whaddaya think? Email him attortugafan@tortugatwins.com and let him know - not just about his journals and their content, but anything else you like. Really. Anything. For example, based on the nurse story above, apparently you can get a free year's membership just by trashing other renfaire shows... -AB]
As I write this we've finished our third of eight weekend here at the AZ show, I'd like to tell you it has been uneventful... but I just can't!
We flew the B-team boys in for some VERY intensive training. We worked them like dogs on the first weekend, rehearsed them four of the five days between the weekends (while we were doing student days on Tuesday and Thursday) - intensive, horrible rehearsals. We worked them onto the stage repeatedly on the following three-day weekend, and (finally) sent them back home. We (the OT, or Original Twins) also had some intense business meetings, schmoozed visitors from the proposed Oregon show, and ran our various businesses here... (Heather and I have now expanded to owning two Drum Booths, and partnering in two more... wild! But I'll cover that more in another journal) and (did I mention) raising an infant daughter!
We also are in negotiations with Old Tucson Studios (located in Tucson, oddly enough) we're talking about writing and performing in a Halloween show this October (while flying back-and-forth from Charlotte) and possibly a gig this January too... so we went to check out the studio.
Of course our first stop was the Can-Can Show, where (and I'm sure Riki has posted the video) we got set up and included into the show. After words we posed with the offending parties... some very cute girls I got to hand it to the cast at OTS, they were all enthusiastic, and outgoing and hardworking.
 'Amigos' the Poster |
 El Guapo's Village |
 The Can-Can girls |
There have been loads of cool films and TV shows shot at the studio, including one of the Tortugas favorites: The Three Amigos! They actually have a part of the original set from the film, but the remainder was destroyed in a fire years ago... bummer.
I also HAD to pose in front of the poster in the entertainment office. I'm sure this impressed our bosses-to-be... but I don't even TRY to not be the nerd I am.
And as we walked out, I saw this really comical sign which had such a funny double entendre for our non-drinking Brother...
 Riki and the damned wagon |
 The mission set |
Till next time, I'll just be Daddy-ing!
